Emails from Sir Walter Mittens

 

9:56am
Dear Human:

It has been two hours since you left me. I threw up on your bed about ten minutes ago, so be prepared to clean that up when you return. I see you took my sister with you again today, but not me. I wanted to come with you, but alas, you left me behind. Again. It is clear who your favorite cat is. I shall accept my ranking as number two with grace and dignity.

I know you are at work making the green papers that will in turn pay for my toys that I will inevitably play with for five minutes and then proceed to lose under one piece of furniture or another.

Until you and your favorite cat return, I’ll be here, guarding the house. About forty-five minutes ago, a tiny human proceeded to throw his toy ball over the fence. I made sure I stayed out of sight and secured under a blanket until the tiny human had left. The tiny human is not good at finding things. And as soon as the tiny human left, the squirrel came back to haunt me. I think he’s part of a gang as his cronies were in a tree, not too far behind him, cheering him on. I thought I made it very clear to him yesterday that his presence was not welcomed here any longer. I extended one paw from under the blanket as a warning sign that I meant business, but he did not respond to the threat. As a side note, we may need to work on my guarding skills when you return from making the green papers.

You left the television on when you left again and you know that I do not possess the skills to turn it off. Let it be known that I do not like watching episodes of Grey’s Anatomy all day. I do not think I can bear to watch one more horrible thing happen to Meredith. How is one person expected to endure a plane crash, a shooting, drowning, loosing her husband to a car crash and her mother to Alzheimer’s? Poor, poor Meredith.

Did you notice that you left my food dish only half full this morning? I tried to alert you before you left, weaving in and out between your legs, but you were too busy making your own lunch to worry about me. If I starve to death, I may not reply to your next email.

In case I am still here when you return home, I ask that you give me exactly three armpit scratches. If you exceed this limit, I will scratch you. This is your only warning.

I shall now spend the next six hours sleeping under this blanket until you come home. The tiny human and the squirrel exhausted all of my energy for the day.

Sincerely,
Sir Walter Mittens

PS: I borrowed your selfie stick so I could capture these photos, just in case you might forget how cute I am while you are away.

 

10:15am
Good Morning Mittens,

You know all too well that you cannot come with me to work. You throw up every time you’re in the car. You get scared and bolt out of the car at the first sign of freedom. Remember what happened last time? We don’t want a repeat of that incident ever again. You running out of the car and into the grocery store was certainly not what I had in mind for our adventure day. Do you remember the produce man dragging you out from under the apple display? You didn’t speak to me for a week after that. Besides, your sister likes car rides and hanging out with my music students all day and you Sir, are not at all fond of tiny humans.

Speaking of tiny humans, you know the tiny human of which you speak. That’s Levi! He belongs to Victoria and Arnold next door. He probably just wanted to see you through the window again. Maybe consider cutting him a break next time and letting him see more than one paw from beneath a blanket? For some reason, he considers your anti social behavior a friendly gesture.

As for Grey’s Anatomy– I assumed you got a wee bit lonely in a silent house all day, so I left my favorite show on for you. I apologize if Meredith’s misfortunes are too much for you to handle. Please let me know what your show of choice is for tomorrow.

You certainly do have enough food for the day. I left it half full on purpose. Remember what the vet said? You’re seventeen pounds and pre-diabetic. You’re living the cat version of a Dr. Oz approved life now, Sir. Welcome to your new reality.

Sincerely-
The Human Who Rescued You From Death Row at the Pound.

PS: And put the selfie stick away before you break it.

 

1:14pm
Dear Human,

I just woke up from my nap and noticed that you had responded to my last email. I was sleeping quite soundly until Meredith’s diffusing of a bomb inside a patient woke me up. That’s it! I’m banning this show from our future.

While I was weaving in and out of sleep between hospital emergencies on the TV, it came to my attention that there are a few things we need to discuss. I feel as though I have been quiet long enough.

First, we need to discuss Vacuum. I continue to hiss at it, yet it continues to keep grunting at me. What kind of creature does not heed the warnings of someone as fierce as myself? “Stay away!” I yell, yet it just keeps growling. I think it is time you ask Vacuum to leave our house. It doesn’t fit with our groove. Ask Sister. She agrees with me on this one.

Next, we need to discuss your evening visitors. I do not deserve to spend so much of my time hiding behind the toilet and under the furniture. I deserve more self-respect than that. There is nothing worse than hearing them inquire about my whereabouts upon their arrival. Before I know it, they are dragging me out from behind the loveseat yelling, “LOOK at his little mittens! Oh my GOSH! Those MITTENS!” I was born with ten extra toes, get over it man! I’m more than just my feet. And every time they come over, you guys drink too much wine and put me in my “company best.” That baby blue tuxedo is tacky.

Speaking of the couch, I know you asked me my opinion on the new yellow loveseat you bought last week. I feel as though my actions today will give you a sufficient answer. If you would have just asked me what I thought of it before you bought it, I may not have had to bring out all 28 claws.

On another note, can you explain what happened to the catnip? I threw myself into the wall one time and knocked Grandma off the mantle scattering her ashes prematurely. I demand more nip. If my demands are not met, be prepared to clean up a plethora broken wine bottles tomorrow after work.

I logged on to your Amazon account to disable Grey’s Anatomy and I saw this year’s Halloween costume choices. Let it be known that I do not want to be a lion again this year. Up your game, human! I think I’d make a stately Wizard of Oz.

Oh! And I noticed you left a Q-tip in the toilet this morning. Assuming this is where we are keeping these now, I took the liberty of adding the rest of the box. I see your big plan now as when I flushed, we ended up with that swimming pool you always wanted. My paws however? Soaked. It’s taken me all afternoon to dry them off with your favorite cashmere sweater. The pool can’t stay.

I bring all of to your attention so that we can live together in peace and harmony.

Sincerely,
Sir Walter Mittens, the Only.
Screen Shot 2016-04-03 at 8.26.22 AM

 

2:43pm
SIR WALTER MITTENS,

You flooded the bathroom?! For the love of all that is holy in this world, if you could only see me beating my head against my desk right now. Okay, I’ll clean it up when I get home. Until then, stay OUT of the ding dang bathroom!

The vacuum is necessary because of all of your hair. If you were better at containing it, then I would not have to use it so often. Because you scream like a kidnap victim every time I attempt to brush you, the vacuum is my only other option.

I’ll talk to Sydney and Nita about calming their excitement when they see you. But, there’s nothing I can do about their joy concerning your mittens. They are your namesake, after all! Even I still get excited about them. And the outfits are not going anywhere. I’ve spent a great deal of money on you and your sister’s wardrobe.

I swear! If what you say is true about the couch, you’re spending the night outside. That couch cost 600$!

I’ll pick up some catnip, wine, Q-tips and extra bathroom cleaning supplies on the way home today and then I’ll order you a Wizard of Oz costume. But, that means we are going trick or treating with Levi and his family this year. This is not up for discussion.

Did you get to the part where Meredith is brutally attacked by a patient yet? She’s a fighter, that one. And seriously, enough with the selfie stick. You’re going to break it and it does not belong to us, it belongs to Sydney. If you break it, I’ll let her and her little sister play kitty dress up again.

Kisses!
Your Human Who Loves You.

 

3:23pm
Dear Human,

No, I did NOT get to that part yet, and thanks for ruining it for me.

So, I think my mouse companion is in a coma. I tucked him in to our bed and told him to get some rest. I think he’s sleeping comfortably now. Do we all stop breathing when we sleep?

Also, the sink is broken. It is no longer dripping and I’m parched. If I die of thirst, scatter my ashes under the porch where I spend most of my time.

Just so you know, I changed your relationship status on Facebook. It now reads that you are in a relationship. With me!

OMG! Meredith’s sister didn’t make it out of the plane crash? She died? What kind of fresh hell is this?

Also, we can never give this selfie stick back to Sydney. I have too many good sides to capture.

Sincerely,
Sir Walter Mittens, the Perfect and Most Handsome.

5:00pm
Dear Mittens,

I hate to break it to you, Sir, but I think you finally killed your “mouse companion” that you’ve been torturing all week. Please get him out of my bed! Let him rest in peace outside!

Also, the sink is not broken. I actually finally fixed it. You can get water from your water bowl- like a normal cat.

Are you logged onto my Facebook again? Stop touching things! Log out now!

Your sister and I are on our way home now. Guess what we’re doing tonight after I fix the couch, clean up the puke, dispose of the mouse, clean up the “swimming pool,” and fix my Facebook status? Sydney and Nita are coming over for a Grey’s Anatomy and wine marathon! Which will of course end in a kitty fashion show to showcase all of the new outfits that came in the mail today.

See you soon, Mitts!

Love,
Your Ever-Faithful Human

 

Advertisements